Communicating is tough. We do it every day, with everyone we see (whether we use our voices or not), yet it’s one of the things that causes the most trouble in relationships. Now stir in communicating with a child, and that changes the whole recipe. As parents, we are growing mini humans into adult humans and hopefully, we do a good enough job that they can live long, happy, and healthy lives. One of the ways we can be successful at this is talking to our kids with meaning. From a place of love, respect, and grace, we can teach our littles that they are the most important things in the whole wide world.
We tell our kids to listen, listen, listen all of the time, but are we really listening. Mindful listening is one of those things we hear about doing, think we’re doing it, but could probably do a better job of it. Practicing mindful listening, just like practicing anything, takes time, commitment, and effort. We are not born good listeners, but we all have the capacity to be excellent listeners. Being an effective listener to your children builds their self-esteem (value), enhances their emotional awareness (validation), and facilitates a bond (connection). But, how the heck do we do it?
Your body says a lot so make sure it’s saying what you want it to say. If you are asking your kid what it is that made them cry but you’re crossing your arms, scrunching your face, and bending over them, that sends a conflicting message. Get down on their level and keep your body and facial expressions open and welcoming because we want them to feel safe coming to us with any topic. Paying attention to what you do with your body and face when you talk to everyone will help you be an awesome communicator with the big humans and the little ones.
If you zone out when your kid talks about their Minecraft escapade, you’re not alone. If we want our kids to know we’re listening, ask questions about the stories they tell you, even if it’s not your favorite subject. Questions that lead to more! Asking questions, especially ones that aren’t answered with a simple yes or no, let your kids know that not only do you hear what they are saying, but that you are truly interested. Once they get the idea that we like what they are saying, they’ll say more! More about the stuff we really want to hear about. Think of creative ways to ask your kids how their day was without the closed questioning. I like to say: “tell me your favorite thing that happened today”. That usually opens up the flood gate.
Not everything our kids say to us is sunshine and rainbows and it’s the fixers in us to problem solve. That may not be what they want or what they need, though. When our kids come to us upset, whether it be about school, something their sibling did, or even something bigger, it’s important to remember that they may just want to be heard. And that circles back around to that mindful listening. They might want to “purge” their yucky feelings so allowing them that will give them freedom from those negative thoughts. Believe it or not, you can ask you kid what they need or want when they come to you with yucky emotions. Assuming they want a hug when they want to be heard may make us feel better but it may not give them what they really need.
Finally, parenting is hard, y’all. I am constantly second guessing myself, and mulling over what I said and how I probably traumatized my children forever. I personally believe that if we feel we’re anxious that we may be doing something wrong, we are definitely doing something right. It means we care. You have to give yourself (and your littles) some grace. Sometimes we lose our cool, raise our voices, or feel like we are making a mess of things but it’s going to be okay. It’s impossible to be perfect and chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re doing your best (they are too!). And that’s what counts.
תגובות